Dear Directly Woman on Lesbian Tinder,

Hey you — the cis, white, quirky girl who’s obviously involved with a committed, monogamous, heterosexual relationship, it is “new to your town” and “looking for friends” — get off of my Tinder. I’m maybe not joking. Keep (move out) in order to find some other place become that isn’t my feed. That’s right. Click on the fire that is little on the Rose iPhone, discover the settings web page, and thumb your french-manicured little little finger down seriously to “Delete Account”. Whenever it asks why you’d prefer to leave, key in, “Because i will be scum.”

Because you know what, Brittani or Megann or Taylor Swift or whatever name your likely-just-as-nauseating-parents christened you with? Literally no body else is on Tinder to locate platonic pals. Why? Because it makes no rational feeling.

And also you understand what you might have not considered, Laurie or Tori or Tuesdays with Morrie? Its difficult to be described as a lesbian. It certainly, certainly is. He lured you to with a trail of Rolling Rock cans and a vague promise to be faithful, you probably only really had to worry about whether to use medium or magnum condoms when you met Chad or Brad or Thad or Dad or whatever your Ken-doll-incarnate is called in whatever glorified-cave-of-a-frat-house. For all of us? Maybe maybe perhaps Not nearly because easy. For queer ladies, there is certainly an extended and difficult courting procedure. You need to to determine you would like said individual, make certain they’re not straight, hope that they’re single, pray they had been never ever associated with one of the exes, muster within the courage to inquire about them away, guarantee they know it is a romantic date is be naughty free rather than an ambiguous hangout, determine which flannel to put on to the event, appear to said date, really endure finished ., after which perhaps you use the dental dams. Tinder made this technique only a little easier, and soon you arrived around.

The worst component is I would probably make pretty good friends that you and. Your profile states you’re 20. We, too, have actually endured the duration of time for 2 years. One of the images features meals. I love food. We demonstrably share an amount that is large of, even as we have both willfully and voluntarily produced Tinder is the reason ourselves. That’s undoubtedly a begin. In reality, I’m good that, under various circumstances, we’d have grand old time conference at a hip-but-not-too-hip restaurant. We’d have conversation that is great our hometowns, well known books, additionally the proven fact that you’re a Taurus. A short while later, you’ll go homeward to your loving boyfriend and feel re-energized. Having said that, I would personally go back to my apartment that is empty and L-Word episodes until we ultimately die. I wouldn’t be discovered for several weeks — not even because anyone noticed or missed me, but because the landlord noted the smell when coming to ask about my late rent payment because I live alone, my cat would start eating my decomposing carcass and.

Just understand, we probably don’t hate you individually; we mostly hate the notion of you — a well balanced, heteronormative existence within my chaotic, homosexual presence. You have got all around the globe to freely occur and “make friends”, while we have only homosexual pubs, feminist bookstores, Sleater-Kinney concerts, as well as the blinking display of my iPhone to get love. Whenever we should ever satisfy in individual, show up and speak with me. We are able to nevertheless talk about astrology in a Think Coffee, but I won’t feel bitter about being lonely as you have actuallyn’t stolen an area in a location that is allowed to be in my situation and folks just like me.

That I have no interest in being your third while I have you here, I feel it’s also important to mention.